If I could just find words, to express what, and how I feel exactly to-night—but no, no, nothing in particular, every thing in general—dear me—plague it all—not a thimble full of any thing, in my head, at present—feel so foolish and good for nothing—sad, and gay, feel as if I could cry, for a good long time, and be better for it—I wish pshaw! What is the use, to wish, it does no good, I shine, well I attain nothing—I wish I was not like myself in any thing, not a single thing—at times I nearly hate myself—bad to hate oneself, I know that often, too often, I say things, and do thing, which I am sorry for in a moment. I wish I was better, and more, as I should be—poor me—but enough of this foolishness, and too much—last Wednesday—I don’t know any thing about any thing, Thursday morning I have forgotten, in the afternoon, Mr Saunders came out to see us, we had a long serious chat, poor boy, he has much to bear—I feel for him—much—she has to bear too—but I think and admire her conduct—think she has acted right, may she be able to hear it, and be fine—Friday morning, went to Church, found only one in two persons, went down street, Mr Saunders joined me, and we then went to Church, after which—I went to see Mollie, & found Helen had just gone round for her, to come out with her to see me—I insisted on their coming but they would not, so Helen and I did not get off ‘till nearly one—and such a warm walk, I did not head home—after dinner Mr Saunders called up to see us—after supper I wrote to Cousin Will and Jennie Jones (Thursday night) Saturday morning I went to Church, me Helen & Mr Saunders, who went down street with us—then went to Church after which Mollie Helen and I, all did a little shopping, and they came out home with me. Mr Saunders came also, spent about half an hour the girls about an hour—I wrote Cousin Jesse a letter, ten pages long, on note paper, by Mr Saunders—Sunday morning went to Church, rained a little—in the afternoon could not go, it was so damp &c—Monday morning I rode down with the children, came home then, rode down with Grandmama—spent the rest of the day reading—This morning, I intended going to Church, but did not get ready in time—went down, and had my daguerreotype taken—did a little shopping, met Mollie and Sallie—Cousin Sallie Haywood and Delia Little came out, and spend the afternoon with us— Grandmama received a letter from Cousin last night—she wrote to tell us how happy she felt—may it even be as bright, and pleasant, as ‘tis now—also received one from Aunt Lizzie, all well. I wish Coz, would make haste along, I do want to see her very much. I wrote Annie Grimes, such a poor scratch last night—But it is high time I was in bed for all have left me, and retired—hope I may have pleasant dreams, had such “un”pleasant ones last night—How I wish I could just step in, and see them all at Tarboro to-night—Think it is high time Carrie Hunter had answered my letter—Wonder why Carrie Wright does not write to me—