How changed in many things, am I since I last, opened my journal to write—how shall I ever remember one half of the past—I have delayed from day to day thinking, well to-morrow, shall not go by without writing in my journal—it was not because I had nothing to write about—far from it—but for some time past, I have done nothing but think, think, think—forever and on the same thing always—I must try at any rate to keep my thoughts on other persons and things for a short while—‘till I fill a few pages with the events of a f two or three weeks—Back to Monday, May 29th—I spent in packing—about day Mother woke me up, saying it was raining—but not enough to prevent our going—so off we started about six o’clock, Mr Tucker as our escort—took dinner about six miles from Chapel Hill, when Sallie Badger, Mr John Lewis, Miss Polk and Hawkings, Mollie B—Delia Little, Cousins Richard, & George Little, Mr P. Hawkings and William Little joined us—we spent an hour very pleasantly eating and talking—reached C.H. about three I guess—found Miss Nancy had not saved us a nice room—and after going about from one house to the other concluded to say in Cousin Mary Haywoods room as she very politely offered us a place—I had not felt well for some time before I left, for Chapel Hill—I made my toilette as soon as I could, feeling badly all the time—went down, and had not been seated long before Mr Saunders (W L) came in, and we went down to see Mollie (who was at the other house) did not see her as she was not dressed—then came back—soon after Mollie came in, I had to go up in my room, for I was so sick, I thought I would faint—it lasted ten or 15 m—felt better but far from well, went down again—had not been seated long before Mr Engelhard came in Mr Saunders then proposed we should go to ride—so Mollie Mr Saunders, Mr Engelhard and I all took quite a pleasant little ride—I was glad I went, for I saw more of Chapel Hill, than I expect, I ever should have done—came home, went to tea Mr S, with Mollie Mr E, with me—after which I spent pleasantly talking to good many of the young gentlemen—I know I had changed a good deal before I left for the Hill—and did not care so much for dancing and company—but after reaching C. H. I felt still less like enjoying it—felt far more like crying, and know it was my feelings that made me sick—I felt sad all the time, and cared very little about talking to any one—except—

Tuesday night went with Mr Tucker, not however before Mr Jimmie Wright came up to remind me of the engagement I made to go with him on that night, when in Wilmington—I told him yes I remembered all about it, but thought, had had Mr Wright been anxious to have had it remembered, he should have remind it before—that I was going with Mr Tucker—I guess he did not like it for he did not have any thing more to say to me while at he commencement—I am sure, it did not pain me at all—Mr Tucker and I went—Mr Engelhard and Mother—I cannot say I enjoyed the evening, for I did not—I was too busy thinking—how I got through I cannot tell—danced every set—Mr Engelhard was quite serious, and did not stay in the ball room—

Wednesday morning got up early and went to breakfast—after which spent in talking about some things, and thinking of another, went to Chapel Hill with Mr Cobb—Mollie and I sat together—after the speaking was over (which I did not hear, came near going to sleep) Mollie & Mr Saunders—Mr Cobb and I went up in the Phi Hall—where we spent some time not very pleasant to me—I felt too sad and badly—rode home—after which went to dinner with Mr Pillow—In The evening I spent talking to callers—after a while Mr Engelhard came in, and introduced, Messrs McIntyre and Thompson—we all talked for half an hour or so—when the gentlemen proposed going up in the Di Hall and hearing the music—Mr Engelhard went with Mother, and Mr McIntyre with me—I found him pleasant spent an hour or so at the Hall—came back to Miss Nancys, found supper ready—Mollie and Mr Saunders, were just going in and I believe Mr Engelhard went with me—after which however Mollie proposed we should go down and spend a short time with her before commencing our toilette for the evening—I forgot it was Mr Badham, & not Mr Saunders with Mollie—we went down to the other house, and found no place to go to—and we seated ourselves on some beds or (something of the kind) which we found out on the piazza—it was quite damp and rainy we spent about two hours I expect seated out there—it was rather undignified I think—but nevertheless I spent the time very pleasantly—Mr Saunders joined us for a short while—Mr Tucker went with Mother & Mr Engelhard with me, I did not get ready until late—found Mollie at the Chapel—we sat together Mr Saunders spoke—I felt sad and badly all the day and night—after the speaking was over—Mollie, Mr Badham, Mr Engelhard and I instead of going to the ball room (which we did not enter that night) went over to the Phi Hall—had seated ourselves—but conclude we would go down, and stay half an hour or so in the speaking room, I call it, don’t know what the proper name for it is—we took over seats Mollie & Mr B—on the steps one side—Mr E—and myself on the other—I spent a delightful evening—although a sad one—and we started about 12 o’clock to go to the ball room—but found it was over—so went home—but back a little which at the Hall, I read a letter from Mr Jack Walker (I was so sorry he was not at commencement) to Mr Engelhard—said he had seen some one very much like me—also read that post script—to Mr Joe Wrights letter, he wrote Mr Engelhard when I was in Wilmington—I thank Mr Wright for his high opinion of me, & only wish—I deserved it —O! my head aches so! to-night.

In talking to Mr Engelhard that night, feeling badly any way, I was provoked at something he said, and because I had nothing to do broke the chain off my bracelet—I was ashamed of it in a moment—I gave the chain to Mr Engelhard—after we got to Miss Nancy’s found Mother had been looking every where for me, and felt badly thinking I was sick—but I got the basket, and the little we girls had left, after the late supper we took Tuesday night—and brought it down and we had late supper such as it was—Mr John Holmes, Mr Cobb and Mr Engelhard—Mary, Martha, Delia, Cousin Mary, and Mother were the company—Mollie did not stay, thought it was too late—Thursday morning did not any of us (I mean the girls in our room) go down to breakfast. Went with Mr Tucker to Chapel, Mother with Mr Cobb, rode it was so damp—Mr Joe Wright spoke—and he spoke so well too—his speech was good and short and he delivered it much better than I expected—I came very near going to sleep, after his was over—felt so badly—walked home and went directly from Chapel—got home just in time for dinner—Mr Tucker went with us—Went with Mr Engelhard in the evening, got there early, fixed his badge (or what ever you call it) for him pulling the chain in—Mollie Henry, Mollie B—and I sat together—Mr Engelhard spoke so well, his subject was “Where are we?” and it was in my opinion the best speech delivered—After it was all over and they were made men—I declare I felt sad before, but I commenced to think, that the greater member of faces that I then looked on—I would never see again—and so many in a few short hours would part with dear friends—which friends long years would pass once, before they could see them—what changes time would bring them all—and my mind filled with these thoughts, I walked out of that Chapel for my last time, I expect—no doubt Mr Engelhard found me dull, and “out of sorts”—but I knew it would not do to give up so to my feelings—Mollie who was with Mr Badham—Mr Engelhard and I all went to the Phi Hall, or speaking room, took our same seats—had not been there long before Mr Saunders, came in, I think he Is the most jealous man I ever saw—did not stay long—we left a few moments after him—Mr Engelhard gave me his Di pin, or badge—we then started home, but concluded we would take a short walk—after walking a little called in to see Mrs Whent and Sholer—the latter not at home, I was sorry would like to have seen her—we spent 15 or 20 m—then went to Miss Nancy’s every body, had finished supper—but we went in, and took ours—Mollie left to prepare for the ball—I spent 10 or 15 m in the parlour talking—It was late when I went up to prepare for the night—I spent such a pleasant evening—and the ball night was delightful—Mr Joe Wright who escorted me—had to wait some time, but got there before Mollie—I never thought I could go in a room where music and dancing were going on, and not feel all the time, as if could not enjoy it without, I was dancing every set—but Wednesday, as I have said did not go in the Ball room—and the night of the ball only danced five sets—two with Mr Joe Wright, O! Yes six, two with Mr Engelhard—after the fith set was over, I took a seat with Mr Engelhard, and we talked for an hour or so—when Mr Nicholson came up, as I had promised to talk with him a set—Mr E—left and we talked about Mollie for two sets—when Mr Engelhard came back—Mr Nicholson looks so sad and badly, I feel so sorry for him—I don’t think Mollie has acted exactly right—one thing sure—I never will, or have believed Mr Nicholson ever said any thing that was not good of Mollie—I then spent the rest of the evening in talking with Mr Engelhard, until supper was ready, Messrs Wright and Engelhard went with me—after which we walked a little (in the ball room—) I then danced a set with Mr Engelhard—my last one, I expect in that ball room—and then the ball and commencement were over—Mr Wright & I then went home—it was such a pleasant night, I enjoyed it far more than I expected—felt more like myself, than I had, in some time—After I went up to bed, I seated myself on the floor, just as I was, and felt that I could sit, & think, over and over the events of the last few days, until, day. I need not say day for it was very near that there—but after spending some time, Mother made me come to bed—got up quite early, and went to breakfast, after which spent about 20 m in the parlour, when Mollie came & I went to breakfast with her, and then down to the other house with her—Mother came for me saying it was time, to get ready to start—But I will have to for up for to-night, although “The half has not been told” for I am so weak, and feel so badly, and it is bed time now—although I don’t feel at all sleepy, and could write for hours if I only felt well—will try and finish to-morrow but can’t pretend to say I will—